I have finally realized what makes me so cranky about and hate Valentine’s Day:
I freaking HATE Jared. I don’t like Jared, the Subway guy, and I sure as heck don’t like Jared from “He went to Jared!” fame. Jared! Dude! Stop going places. You are killing me over here. Have you seen what Jared came out with this year? Chocolate diamonds. No matter that diamonds are revered for their clarity and color. We’ll just put shit in them and call them “chocolate” diamonds. My soulmate thinks enough of me to buy me tainted shit diamonds. I’m so glad he went to Jared to buy me super crappy diamonds. Chocolate diamonds complete me.
I was at Target yesterday, completely against my will, purchasing boxes of valentines for the twins’ third grade valentine exchange. Valentine’s Day brings out the worst and cheapest in me. I hate everything about it. I hate being coerced to buy cards. I hate charm bracelets. I hate hearts. I want to rip open teddy bears and stuffed animals holding hearts. I don’t want perfume that smells like a restroom soap dispenser. I want to pick out my own perfume if you’re going to spend $70 on it. Don’t even think of getting me $30 roses for $90. Chocolate makes me nervous and riddled with tummy flab phobia. Lingerie is fine, but there are only so many embellished corset bodices my closet can house. All these gifts are supposed to bring out My Inner Vixen. The Hopeless Romantic. The Glamour Girl. The Sweetheart. Barf! I’m dead sexy all year round. I don’t need to trot out my Vixen only in February. I own fun. I don’t need to fly to Vegas to prove it.
Every Kiss Begins With Kay? I have never given a kiss because of Kay. Kay can kiss my ass. Everyone knows every kiss begins with beer, or a wine cooler. And you better buy me dinner too. Do you hate Valentine’s Day too?
I saw the creepiest gift ever on television the other day. It is called the Hunka Love Bear from the Vermont Teddy Bear company. It’s a big, stuffed teddy stalker to serve as a constant reminder of your absent lover. “Size does matter!”
Read this with a Barry White voice: “Give her this bear and she’ll think of you every time she sees it! And when you’re not around, her bear will be there to keep her company and to keep her thinking of you!”
I’m surprised Vermont Teddy Bear Company doesn’t offer a hidden nanny cam mounted in the bear’s glassy eyeball so that Hunka can keep an eye on your special lady. Pun intended. The women featured in the ad hug the fluffy bear in slow motion with looks of ecstasy on their faces. The announcer practically guarantees you’ll get laid if you spend $99 on this enormous life-sized bear. “Go big and go home happy!” Who are these people marketing to? I know for sure it isn’t me.