I hate Vague-booking most of all

Ever since middle-aged people who actually liked Hall & Oats made Facebook uncool by knowing about it, people have been abusing their Facebook power. With power comes responsibility. Each of us is no doubt guilty of committing a social media infraction on occasion, but that doesn’t excuse it. Social media is yet another medium in which to be deeply annoying. I suspect the folks who mis-use Facebook and other media are the same ones in line ahead of you at the grocery store who are breaking up with their girlfriend on their cell phone while they are buying hamburger helper because they want people to overhear. They are histrionic. They must be stopped.

Many of us are in denial about how others perceive us. Except for me. I rarely make mistakes, and perpetually present myself the way I intend. Like last week when I scared some poor lady at elementary school orientation by asking her if she wandered over to our table because of my fabulous ass. I swear it was funny, but apparently only to me because she left abruptly and avoided eye contact with me after that. You think it’s the other person. It’s similar to a sense of humor. Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor, but they couldn’t possibly all have taste. I understand the allure of pretending to communicate by being indirect and dishonest, but if you want to be abstract, write haikus, not status updates.

“I’m not sure I can take it any longer.”

Intentionally vague cries for help in an unsubtle attempt to garner sympathy. Manipulative ambiguity + lack of context = exceptionally irritating. Don’t be vague. Don’t say, “A little piece of me died today.” Be specific, and generate a conversation: “What are the least expensive bullets I can use to off myself?” See how much more your readers will engage with you? You’ve given them a platform to expound on their extensive gun and ammo knowledge AND you are putting your sassy, thrifty self front-and-center. Why spend a lot of money on bullets that are just going to end up in the wall behind you? Those “like” buttons aren’t going to like themselves, folks. As with baring your boobs for mardi gras beads, you have to work for them. Those FB friends you barely remember from high school would rather read a post that said “I ate a family size bag of potato chips in one sitting today and I hate myself!” rather than “Frito-Lay can be so cruel sometimes” which makes no fucking sense. If you want people to acknowledge concern for you then you should be up-front about it. “I need validation! Validate me!” And not to be a total downer, but you ARE going to die some day.

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How To Get De-Friended: Chronic Whiners