The F Word

I feel like I have a real connection with the foul-mouthed character of Debra Morgan on the Showtime series Dexter who uses The F word a lot.  She may be the only woman I “know” who curses as much as I do. I’d apologize if I felt bad about it. I feel bad for those who feel bad about it, but I can’t muster the energy to care much more than that.I just like to get my curse on. I promise I (almost always) temper it around children and the feeble-minded. I don’t bring it out for job interviews or business meetings or bar mitzvahs. Well, maybe for bar mitzvahs. And weddings. There are usually many opportunities to break out your curse when you’re at a wedding. I’ve tried to stop. When my children were old enough to repeat me, I started spelling curse words. You wouldn’t think that would be very satisfying, but it was at least a rice cake to a starving girl. Then the little fuckers learned how to spell and I had to resort to pig latin. They eventually figured out pig latin. And now I’m very sad. These days I just curse under my breath and we all pretend I didn’t just say that and they didn’t just hear it. I think this is how family secrets germinate.

The F word

I do have filters. I’ve used them to wild success in the past. I just don’t prefer to engage them. It’s the freedom only someone who knows they are going to die can appreciate. I’m not professing a terminal illness. I mean, simply, that we are all going to die and I want to look back and think, “That was me. I lived the life I wanted to live, on my own terms, and no one else’s.” I’m not advocating being a selfish bastard. I just want to be myself. My brain thinks in profanity. I simply don’t think in “sweet”. I’m one to speak my mind, and nothing says it better than a well-placed “fuck” enhancer. I call it the “fuck” sweetener effect. I need a way to un-fuck myself. Or is it de-fuck? I think un-fucking would entail me getting out of a tight spot. But I digress…

You will never see a swear jar in my vicinity. I don’t have that many quarters. And if I had to deposit a quarter every time I THOUGHT in curse words, I would be so fucked. I don’t use profanity as a sword. I use it as a shield, or usually as a reaction. Mostly, I use it for humor. I don’t go out of my way to offend people. In my head I may be thinking “Lighten the hell up!”, but usually I just smile at you. I coached my oldest that if she’s going to use curse words that she needs to understand how to use them effectively and appropriately. She would never curse, just so you know. She is good and pure and legions beyond me in many ways. Recall she’s the one who wouldn’t trespass with me to play King of the Mountain.

My evidence:

  • Is there really a word that is as perfect to describe a clusterfuck as clusterfuck?
  • Does shouting “Go away!” really feel as good as “Fuck off!”?
  • When someone makes you angry, is it enough to call them dense instead of a fuckstick?
  • When someone does something asinine, do you hit your point home better by calling them lame or a fuck nugget?
  • When your daughter makes the winning basket at a basketball game, are you really giving her your full support when you scream “Great!” instead of “Fucking-A!”
  • Enthusiasm is elevated to its proper place with a well-placed “Fuck, yeah!” or the equally compelling “absafuckinglutely!” I can’t say the same for “sure thing!”.
  • When someone says something incredibly uninformed and outrageous, is saying “That’s dumb.” telling them how you really feel or is it better to say “WTF?”

My husband ordered 500 livestrong-esque black bracelets that proclaim “Harden the fuck up”. When I wear the bracelet, it invariably positions itself so I can only read “fuck up”. I think, “How rude! This bracelet doesn’t know me. It doesn’t know my character. I am NOT a fuck-up!” Then I remember that I blogged twice about my husband’s vasectomy and I move the bracelet around.

The F word

Click here for a tutorial on How to make Siri Curse Like a Sailor. (brilliant!)
Click here for the inspiration for the HTFU bracelets.

Click here to view a shortened clip of “It Hits the Fan,” an episode of South Park that used the word shit 162 times in 23 minutes.
Click here for a list of the various ways to get the most points for the word “fuck” in Scrabble.
Click here for an Aussie blogger’s laundry list of the uses of the F word.