Do you ever hear Hater Voices in your head?

It dawned on me today that there are people in the world that don’t ever think about smothering anyone with a pillow. Ever. I know! It took me by surprise too. But they are out there. Multiplying. They are cheerful and have nice things to say about others. They don’t curse, even in their head. They have nice parents and clean children. They offer to carpool everyone else’s children to birthday parties. Their clothes fit. The hem on their pants isn’t stapled in place. They don’t think mean thoughts about the perennially-cute mommy at the playground. They like their co-workers, even the shitty ones. They perform charity work and don’t complain bitterly about how much of a time-suck it is. They attend their children’s school activities, even the pointless ones. And they are cheerful upon waking. They are happy and they know it.

This guy, Jay Smooth, gets it:

I’ve been negative lately, and I have to say I’ve had about all I can take of myself. Is it normal to suddenly realize you can’t stand yourself one more second? Those hater voices keep telling me whatever I’m doing isn’t good enough. I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf and do what I know I have to do: live for today. No dwelling on the past. No worrying about the future. This is my favorite time of year: fall! It’s the sanctioned time of the year when you can enjoy the mess. No one is judging my dead grass once the leaves start covering it. It gets dark earlier so I can’t see the dust build-up on my furniture as clearly. Plausible deniability. Instead of focusing on the fact that the same guy who I’ve met five times continues not to acknowledge me, I will be glad he didn’t spit on me. See! I’m half full, bitches! There is beauty in the change of season. Besides, I look hot in coats. It’s easier to hide muffin top in a sweater than a tankini. Be thankful. Often.

Don’t get me wrong. I can be really nice. Charming, in fact. It’s just that it doesn’t stop the mean inner monologue in my head that secretly hopes you are peaking. It’s all downhill for her now…