Avoid these reactions if your spouse gets fired:

Would you know what comfort to offer if your spouse gets fired? Have you yourself ever been fired from a job? Down-sized. Reduction-in-force. Last in/first out. Mis-managed office politics. Whistleblower. Thrown under the bus. Slept with your boss. Whatever the reason, fired is fired. And fired feels absolutely shitty.
The only thing that feels more personal than a spouse that gets fired is if you do. Except maybe divorce. Divorce feels personal too, after the vows, the living together and building a life together. I have had the pleasure of experiencing all of the above. They each involve rejection and shots of tequila, but at least when you get divorced your spouse provides a convenient target to blame. When you get fired, you usually aren’t sure which closed-door meetings culminated in the decision to shit-can you. Everyone is suspect and being paranoid is crazy-making. It’s also extraordinarily stressful. You feel like Loser Central. Persona non grata. You end up blaming yourself and fantasizing about karma coming full circle like a Tarantino movie.
1. Do not dispense useless advice. Also, almost anything you say besides “that sucks” is useless.
       “You should wear a business suit to the Unemployment Office. You will blend right in.”
       “It’s fine to smoke pot now that you’re unemployed. You wouldn’t want to work for an employer that drug tested anyway. Don’t give in to ‘The Man’!”
       “Go back to school! Education debt is good debt! More education is never a bad thing and at least we’ll have money to buy ramen.”
       “Your resume matters. You matter.”
       “That algoriyhm employers use to weed out candidates is a myth.” or “Prospective employers will see your skills are transferrable.”
       “Be perfectly honest about your salary history. They want to pay you what you’re worth.”
       “You will thank them later for doing you the favor of firing you.”
2. While maintaining a positive attitude is important, do not create false hope.
       “The environment isn’t as bad as every news outlet has been reporting for several years. Employers will be clamoring to give you multiple offers!”
       “If you go on enough interviews, you are bound to get an offer.”
       “Your age or length of unemployment won’t be held against you. That’s illegal, and employers don’t engage in illegal hiring practices.”
3. Do not try to make sense of that which is incapable of making sense because none of it makes sense.
I must say the Soup Nazi approach to getting fired is not my favorite method. “No job for you!” It’s overkill unless you’ve been caught embezzling funds from off-shore dummy accounts you created. If that’s the case, then by all means, fire my sorry ass on the spot and escort me to my car via armed guard while my future ex-co-workers softly chant “Dead Man Walking”. If I’ve done something wrong, don’t even let me take the company fish with me like Jerry Maguire. But, for the love of mike, tell me why.
4. Do not make it about you.
Don’t pretend you are allergic to cheap paper products to justify buying the name brand toilet paper. Let it go. That soft paper is dead to your butt now. You’ll get used to the scratchy kind that dissolves in your hand before you can wipe. It doesn’t matter how sore your nose gets during cold season. You don’t technically NEED Kleenex with lotion when the grocery store bathroom has dispenser towels you can grab by the bunches. Don’t get mired down by demanding all the sordid details after your spouse gets fired. It doesn’t matter if they cried or begged at the end or not. What’s done is done. They need their dignity to land the next job. Don’t jeopardize that by forcing them to relive the event to satisfy your selfish need to know. As long as you have the full names of those spouse gets fired, you have all you need to balance karma, when it’s dark enough outside.
5. Do not freak the fuck out, point out obvious stressors, or be irritating in any way.
Avoid bursting into tears every time a friend mentions a vacation you will now never be able to take. Don’t fill the family dry erase board with items you can no longer afford, like fixing the roof, or bagels. spend a day in a daycare with babies with ear infections and diarrhea. Pepper the family calendar with a giant “X” on activities, vacations, and events you have to cancel on account of being on the dole now.
I stand in awe of anyone who has never been fired. For those of us who have: Workers Unite! We are only as crappy as we let other people make us feel.

Click here for deleted scenes from Up In The Air showing people getting fired.