The other day, I yelled to a friend at elementary school kid drop-off, “Hey! Loser!” He objected to the characterization because he was wearing a nice suit and felt that “Sir Loser” was more befitting his stature. That got me thinking that I confronted a similar issue when I ordered kid’s pajamas from Boden, a British company. The website provided a drop-down list of over 50 potential British titles I could choose when placing my order. Of course I picked Wing Commander (Her Royal Badness sounds better, though), which is probably sacrilege and punishable by jail in the U.K. Is Colonel Sir really making a lot of internet children’s clothing purchases, though? And if he is, can he get the fuck over the package arriving with simply his name on it?
We don’t have nearly enough descriptors and titles here in the U.S. I’m even a doctor, but don’t go by that title (unless I want someone to think I’m a douchebag). Attorneys in the U.S. decided long ago that their specialness emanated from within. We don’t need stuffy titles to make us feel important. Even when we’re Unemployed Winners. So here is a list of the titles Boden offers:
Mrs. Mr. Miss
Ms. Dr. Admiral
Baron Baroness Brigadier
Captain Colonel Colonel Sir
Commander Commodore Countess
Count Dame Earl
Field Marshall Lord General Group Capt.
Lady Lieutenant Lt. Commander
Lord Lt. Colonel Lt. General Sir
Major Msgr. Major General
Prince Princess Professor
Rear Admiral Sir Squadron Leader The Baroness
The Countess The Countess of The Duchess of
The Duke of The Earl of The Honorable
The Honorable Mrs. The Marchioness of The Marquess of
The Reverand The Viscount The Viscountess
Viscount Wing Cmdr.
Boden’s list felt a bit confining, though, so I compiled a list of additional titles you can use. Some of the titles may have already been spoken for, technically speaking, but Prince can’t be the only person worthy of being called His Purple Majesty. And like there can only be one Godfather of Goth? I say, stand up! You can even mix and match. Or add Special to the front of any existing name or title. Or add Supreme to the end, like a pizza.
Advocate Agent Ambassador
Analyst Architect of Rock-n-Roll Barkeep
Barmaid Big Doll Boss
Bride Brother Chairman
Champion Chief Citizen
Cousin Crown Prince of Reggae Darth
Dean Despot Detective
Dictator Director Diva
Diva of Arabic Song Dominar Dominatrix
Don Eagle Scout Emperor
Empress Empress of Soul Eternal Idol
Eternal Maiden Queen Fashion Royalty Father
Father of Chinese Rock Father of Death Metal
Father of Disco First Lady First Lady of Country
First Lady of Song First Sea Lord Fleet Captain
Fourth Husband Friar Gang-banger
Gigilo Gladiator God
God of Song Goddess Goddess of Grunge
Goddess of Pop Godfather Godfather of Cantopop
Godfather of Go-Go Godfather of Goth Godmother
Godmother of Punk Governor Grandfather of Punk
Grandfather of Rock-n-Roll Groom Guru
Hardest Working Man in Show Business Head Honcho
Headmaster Headmistress Hey
High Priest High Priestess High Priestess of Soul
His or Her Excellency His or Her Majesty His or Her Worship
His Purple Majesty His Royal Badness Husband
Jedi Master Justice Khan
King King of Country King of Hip-Hop
King of Jazz King of Parody King of Pop
King of R & B King of the High C’s King of the Jukebox
King of the Surf Guitar King of Whatever the Fuck I Want
Klingon Defense Officer Knight Leader
Lord of the Manor Lord Protector Luck be a Lady
Madam Maid Matriarch
Mayor Metal God Mister Country Music
Mister Excitement Mistress Mother
Musketeer Neighbor Number 1
Operative Patriarch Pharaoh
Pilot Pimp Pop Punk Princess
Pope Pope of Mope Premiere
President Prime Minister Prince of Mo-town
Prince of Wails Principal Prom King
Prom Queen Queen Queen of Disco
Queen of Rave Queen of Reinvention Queen of Salsa
Queen of Soul Queen of Winter Regent
Representative Ruler Sahib
Scout Second Husband Second Lady
Secret Agent Secretary Senator
Sister Skipper Songstress
Songstress of the Century Sovereign Speaker
Special Agent Star Fleet Officer Stud
Sultan Sun of Art Superintendant
Supreme Ruler Swami The Aromatic
The Electric The Lovely Third Husband
Tiny Gangster Top Dog Tsar
Tsarina Tycoon Tyrant
Voice of Asia Warden Warlock
Warrior Wife Witch
Yogi Young Gangster
So, what’s your handle?
Step-child the oldest calls me “Wicked Step-mother” or “Wicked One”. I like it.
I call myself “Queen Bitch”.
It fits too.
That is the best compliment I’ve gotten all day!
You are the most sane person I know.
Big Daddy Long Stroke.