I cannot believe we are still talking about the confederate flag allegedly representing Southern pride and heritage. Quoting Ishann Tharoor from the Washington Post, “Americans are finally accepting what many believe it has represented all along: not heritage, nor pride, nor a badge of Southern identity, but a regime of white supremacists who went to war against the Union in order to preserve the inhuman institution of slavery.” The confederate flag is as symbolic of Southern pride as a swastika is symbolic of German pride. Yes, it’s part of our history and should not be forgotten, lest we repeat our past mistakes, but it has no place in our present or future.

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I admit there are just some things in the world that defy explanation to me. I understand decorating with barbie doll heads but I don’t understand confederacy worship, gun culture or fear-based existence. Symbolism is important. If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t associate feelings with symbols. The symbols we allow into our homes influence our children and let others know what we hold important.

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Moronic t-shirt

I found all these symbolic gems on Etsy, not Bass Pro Shop. Pinkie swear. Who couldn’t use a sexist t-shirt advocating unlimited gun ownership? Everyone. Everyone doesn’t need that. Does that seriously get dudes laid anymore? I mean, I know these cretins are having sex, but how can that be? If I want my guy to tell me he loves me, I’d rather he just, you know, tell me. Better yet, wash my car. But, please, don’t put it on a moronic t-shirt. It’s not funny. It’s degrading.

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moronic gun-shaped specialty soap

You know what your powder room needs? Weapon-themed specialty soap. Your guests may be wary to use the glycerin weapon for fear it may go off when they reach for the faucet. I know folks who like to “theme” their bathrooms. I’m imagining AK-47’s in a repeating pattern wallpaper and some shell casing candles, a shower curtain with ‘Merica! emblazoned around the tub. Nobody’s gonna question MY patriotism! I have guns all over the bathroom to prove it!

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moronic boutineers

I can’t believe I didn’t think to use these clever rifle shell casings for wedding boutineers at EITHER of my weddings. Gives new meaning to guns, God and love. Nothing says I love you more than a symbol of death pinned near your heart.

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moronic duck dynasty cross. Is that blood on the right corner?

Okay, I know this just isn’t my style, but do we really have to bother God with duck dynasty shit? I mean, leave God alone already. Poor God must be thinking, “I can’t believe these assholes are on my team.”

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moronic killing chotchkies

I laud anyone for recycling, but this is redonk. So many uses for killing paraphernalia! Who knew? “Ronnie Bob! Go get yer ma’s keys. I think they fell into the cushions of the divan. Just feel around for some bullets or some shotgun shells. Be sure to save any unused ones! We’ve got the family reunion next week!”

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Itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-idiot-confederate-flag-themed-dumbass-bikini.Top.

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Of course I saved my favorite for last. What every couple needs: matching confederate-themed nipple jewelry. I know what you’re thinking. You want to point out that one person could wear these gems on each of their nipples and it doesn’t have to be a couple thing at all. I hear you. I just figured that since the confederate heritage is one based on oppression, cruelty, racism and white dominance, that, oh, crap. I have no idea. These are just moronic. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!