There is more crazy vodka out there. Remember a few posts ago when I blogged about Surviving a Kid Slumber Party by stocking up on vodka marketed to children? The grocery store was restocking that day and apparently I missed another dozen or so Middle School vodka flavors. Please note I didn’t even consider the dizzying number of fruit-flavored vodkas in the category of Children’s vodka.
I think Hershey’s is missing out on a marketing opportunity by not partnering with one of these spirit distributors to bring us Hershey’s Krackle Vodka. Take that, Double Chocolate Vodka! And think of how popular Pop-Tart Vodkas would be. Brown Sugar Cinnamon Vodka. “All you need is a toaster.”
I fear we may be going towards the assimilation of food by liquor. The extinction of the chocolate chip cookie (a/k/a Food as we know it) may be at hand with the advent of the Cookie Dough Vodka (a/k/a Food of the Future). We will wake up one day and all sustenance will come from flavored vodka. That’s how the machines gain control…
There was a candy store from my youth that I still hold in epic esteem. It was the only candy store that consistently carried Marathon chocolate candy bars. They had Jolly Rancher stix before they were cool. I developed my love of Twizzlers by frequenting this candy store. Screw Twizzlers. Now I can have Red Licorice Vodka! “It’ll make you feel like a kid again.”
If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there.
Cuba imports cigars from him.
When he drives a new car off the lot, it increases in value.
“I don’t always drink Kissed Caramel Vodka, but when I do, it’s Smirnoff.”
Iced Cake Vodka: The Vodka of Teenage Stoners Everywhere.
I question the wisdom of inventing the Orange Whipped Vodka flavor. The first, and only, thing I conjure when I think of Orange Whipped anything is that add-insult-to-injury orange-scented barf sawdust the bus driver with cauliflowered ear lobes would shake over the vomit just laid down by the 2nd grade kid who always got motion sickness on the school bus. I hated that kid.
“The World’s Finest Upchuck Vodka”.
So, this is REALLY the Vodka of The Girl Scouts. The Boy Scouts don’t have a vodka because liking girlie vodka might make someone think they were gay. Methinks He Doth Protest Too Much.
Do you know how (much more) drunk I would have been in high school if these flavors were available in the 1980’s? Instead of bribing my 21 year old sister to raid the liquor store to load up on Yukon Jack, the Black Sheep of Canadian Liquors, or Southern Comfort, its disgusting-tasting whiskey cousin, I could have been sipping Salted Karamel Stoli. If you are unfamiliar with how undeniably vile Yukon Jack or Southern Comfort taste, click here.
I think about how much more fun it would have been in 10th grade to sit in the backseat of Ginny’s dad’s ill-fated 1974 Ford Pinto, lights off, in an undeveloped housing addition, drinking Iced Whipped Cream Vodka rather than passing a bottle of piss-warm whiskey followed by coca-cola chasers with my fellow under-aged classmates. We may even have gotten drunk, as it was hard to gag enough whiskey down to get tipsy since it smelled so much like vomit. Kids, these days. They don’t appreciate how good they’ve got it.