A friend of mine recently asked whether a store could be considered a feeling. You tell me. I decided to start with stores you find in a Mall.
Bebe = Trashy and needy. Dressing too young for my age. When I feel outwardly slutty and want everyone to know about it, which is never. I only have an inward slut. Except when I’m being emotionally slutty, then I’m wearing that shit on my sleeve. Why don’t you love me?
Build-A-Bear = Panicky. Kids running around the store demanding stuffing and quilting. I’m in my children’s world and all I want to do is smoke a cigarette (If I smoked, that is).
Cheesecake Factory = Overwhelmed, indecisive and cranky. Why are you giving me a 16 page menu and a 5 page drink menu? Do I look like I have a two-hour lunch hour? I’ve already eaten cold pizza for breakfast and have given up any hope of sticking to a sensible diet the day I go to Cheesecake Factory. Yes, in fact, I will have the fettucini alfredo with a side of enchiladas. Can we get some more eggrolls while we wait? I don’t feel nearly as bad about myself as I could.
True Religion = Cool, then angry. When I want to channel my inner- Gay Chris. God Bless you, Gay Chris. You make me feel young again. Then fat. And I hate you for that.
Claire’s Boutique = Girlie and silly. When everything in my life is pink or pastel, fuzzy, feathery, gold-plated, striped, plastic, flammable and hypo-allergenic. All at one time.
Lady Foot Locker = Guilty and fraudulent. I just wear sneakers so people think I work out. I should be in the gym instead of Lady Foot Locker.
Nordstrom = Tipsy. Like I’m walking around with a perfectly-chilled chardonnay and everyone wants to help me. Then I feel empty-handed, because I can’t afford anything that’s not on clearance.
Anthropologie = Horny, with an addictive personality. I could eat this store and purchase every single thing in it. Then I want to smoke a cigarette that I don’t smoke because it was that good.
Mall Food Court = Tongue-tied and sloppy. Can’t speak proper English, can’t form sentences, spill shit on my pants, leave a messy trail behind, don’t clean up after myself, work hard but accomplish nothing.
Banana Republic = Comfortable. Everything is going okay. No one hates me. Yet.
The Mall Store I feel like today would have to be Food Court.