Can you feel like a store?

Can I Get An Urban Outfitters? Woot. Woot.

Sephora = Ugly and plain. I only shop there when I haven’t showered for
two days in a row and I’m not wearing make-up. The sales associates have
perfect make-up and hair, because they work in a beauty store. Duh.
Baby Gap = Nostalgic. I still like to look at cute children’s clothing
even though I’m now purchasing kids’ clothing for size 12. Everything looks so
fucking cute in a size 18 months.
Williams Sonoma = Randy, and prone to drool. Like a high-class hooker. I can get
excited about a Panini maker and would love to own every knife on display. I.
Love. Kitchen. Gadgets. The pans, the cookware, the bake ware. It’s enough to
make me weep with joy. They know how to make a girl feel good about a $18
bottle opener.
feel like a store
Urban Outfitters = Quirky, but also probably useless.
How could I not have purchased my husband the South Park Mr. Hankey Christmas Poo ornament from UO last year? It would have been wrong not to. Yet it was also wrong to do
it.
Apple Store = Lusty and greedy. I want it all. I want it all. I want it all. And I
want it now. Sorry, but I’ve swallowed the kool-aid and am already peeing it
out.
Eddie Bauer = Obsolete. Like print Newspapers. Does anyone
shop here anymore? Doesn’t everyone else carry everything they have
already?
Papyrus = Indulgent. Like eating chocolate. The cards are expensive, but so,
so lovely. Please, sir? May I have another? Geez. I am such a girl.
Bath & Body Works = Pleasant and safe. Nothing objectionable. Nothing crazy. Just nice smells and festive colors. Nothing bad every happens to anyone while browsing in a Bath & Body Works store. Except in India, where apparently you can get raped anywhere. Even while shopping for fruity lotion.
Brooks Brothers = Uptight. Makes my ass pucker. I don’t have any tattoos, but
frequenting BB might make me run out and get one.
Old Navy = Dirty and cheap. Like a broken strap on my sandal. When all my shit
is thrown on the floor in big heaps with huge dust bunnies and I can’t find
anything I’m looking for. And then I lose my keys.
Pottery Barn = Boring and complain-y. Like a 16 years married couple. When
you are starting to decorate your home in your 20’s, you shop at Pottery Barn.
Now that I have all the basics, I don’t feel special anymore. Why don’t you
give me flowers anymore? Are you having an affair? Stop leaving your socks on
the floor. Do I look like your servant?