The Free Pass List For Marrieds

The Free Pass List

Do you and your significant other subscribe to the concept of keeping “The List”? You know, a list each of you disclose to each other of the Top 5 celebrities that the other is allowed to have their way with if fate ever put any of those celebrities on The List in their path. Like if I ever ended up in an elevator (of hopefully a very, very tall building with a functioning “stop” button) with Daniel Craig, I’m allowed a “get out of matrimonial jail free” card if I have my way with Daniel, right then and there. Because we all know that the ONLY thing preventing that from occurring is choosing the right elevator at the right time. I mean, so long as no stalking is allowed in conjunction with following up on the possibilities of scoring by virtue of The Free Pass List. Or if my husband Kevin happened upon Halle Berry sitting by herself sadly sipping disaronno on the rocks at an Airport Hilton bar in Des Moines. If he could convince Halle that he was the answer to her problems for the night, and she’s on The Free Pass List, it’s no holds barred, baby.

free pass list
credit: neversettling.blogspot

I couldn’t leave well enough alone, though, and started developing sub-The Free Pass List lists such as The Latin Celebrity List, The Sugar Daddy Celebrity List, The African-American Celebrity List (Sheemar Moore from “Criminal Minds”, anyone?), The Foreign Celebrity List. You get the idea. Kevin called bull$hit on so many Sub Lists but I thought he was being a spoil sport. I told him he could develop his own sub-lists such as the same age category as Angela Lansbury Celebrity List (you know, the sexy octogenarian celebrities), the Professional Women’s Softball League Celebrity List, the 1990’s Child Star Celebrity List and so forth. I believe in cheating with a celebrity equality. I mean, if I put 60 celebrities on my list, he could have 60 on his. Like a total buzzkill, he insisted on one Celebrity F*ck List for each of us.

A Litigator by training, I pleaded my case that a girl needs variety. How could I survive with just one genre of shoes in my closet? You mean I can only wear boots? How can I play basketball in boots? Or wear boots to run in the surf at the beach? Boots will not look good with my sassy sundress. I don’t want to run into Leo DiCaprio when I’m wearing boots. Not even sexiful thigh high ones. Kevin keeps telling me that Madonna continues to be on His List but I think it’s an unabashed attempt to stay on my good side because Madonna is older than I am.

I love not talking about cancer! Cheating with celebrities is so much more fun. Speaking of needs, my husband has been out of town for three weeks. I have visited every building with an elevator in this town that my self respect will allow, and not so much as a glimpse of Mr. Craig. May need to re-submit sub Free Pass List idea again…

So, who’s on your list?

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  1. Anonymous

    My list evolves – affected, no doubt, by hormone fluctuations, weight gain/loss and level of sobriety. But currently includes: Dave Grohl, Jason Statham, Matthew McConaghey (sorry, he is still yummy), Tom Hardy, Harry Connick Jr, and yes – Daniel Craig. My husband has his own list, too. My attempt to help him with the names has met with deaf ears. Angela Lansbury hasn’t been suggested yet. Shari Trent Doak

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