How Not To Use a Microwave: Shirt Flambe

Lesson 1 in How Not To Use a Microwave

Devlin made his own breakfast this morning: instant oatmeal in the microwave. In the process, he splashed water all over his sleeve. He could have just dealt with the soggy sleeve or put on a new shirt. Then I remembered an instance where my friend, Ann, told me about quick drying towels and such in the kitchen. Let me stop right there. Ann knows I love her, but if you start off thinking about something that Ann said was a good idea without recalling the details of said plan, you should just go back to bed.

With the confidence that this had been pulled off before, I popped Dev’s shirt into my microwave and “dried” it for two minutes. Two. Minutes. On full power. Then, I watched the shirt catch fire. I retrieved it stupidly with my hands instead of tongs, but managed not to hurt myself. I don’t know what they coated that shirt with but it smelled like formaldehyde, and how. My burning eyes and nasal passages forced me to flee the kitchen, after I removed the shirt from the trash, still smoking. Only then did it occur to me to douse the stupid flamey shirt with water. Setting your children’s clothes on fire is not an ideal way to start your day. I recommend drinking coffee instead. Maybe eat a bagel.

I do ascribe to the World According to Garp philosophy that I have now pre-disaster-proofed my day and that the rest of it is going to be awesome. I may have to sacrifice another shirt tomorrow if this philosophy holds true…

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