Booze For Kids (Or How To Survive A Kid Slumber Party)
I stumbled upon some totally weird vodka flavors at the grocery store today. I am girding my loins in anticipation of seven nine year old boys and girls invading my home for a slumber party to celebrate Devlin & Blair’s 9th birthday. It is just a few hours away. I invited them over. For the sake of my children. I can’t decide whether to take valium (Please send valium. This post is a thinly-veiled cry for help…) or start slamming Red Bulls. Maybe both. I’ll be really awake and totally mellow. That sounds better to seriously sleepy and obnoxiously hyper.
Devlin requested a chocolate cake and Blair, strawberry. Devlin’s cake took two hours to make and is a masterpiece with twelve separated eggs, special dutched cocoa and powdered sugar. Blair’s is a simple white cake with strawberries. Not so sure about the strawberry cake. Blair insisted on extra strawberries in the cake and I think it rendered it soggy. The kids get to make their own pizza and Kevin and I are going to build a kick-ass blanket fort in the living room. Will let you know how that goes over.
After deciding upon the valium and 5-Hour Energy Drink for my husband and I to sip at the party, I was in a quandary about what to serve the kids. Just for grins, I perused the vodka aisle at Schnuck’s Grocery Store and realized they have an entire section of flavored vodkas marketed directly to children. Look!
What goes better with cake than Cake Vodka? Nothing! And a bottle with confetti on it? My kids will never drink milk again after this party. “Hey, Mom! Are we out of Three Olives?”
Glazed fucking Donut Vodka. Play dates just got a lot more fun! I always did want to be the house that all the kids want to play at. Problem = solved.
Gummy vodka? Really? And how did they decide on a gummy fish? Was the fucking bear not good enough for Pinnacle? Silly French people. Candy and alcohol. Totally trumps cake and ice cream. A winning combination.
I bet this is delicious with an oreo dunked in it. Can’t you just see a sweet old grandpa sitting down with his grandson to argue about the best way to eat an oreo cookie? But they’ll be doing it together, and family-styled Chocolate Whipped Vodka is something they can both agree on.
I bet this stores much better than actual marshmallows, which get stale quickly. It’ll be just like a camp fire with chocolate bars, graham crackers and a fifth of Smirnoff Fluffed Marshmallow vodka. Yee-yum. It’s the official vodka for the Girl Scouts of America, and is also delicious with The Cookie Formerly Known as a Samoa or whatever the hell they call any of their cookies now.
No more boring virgin Pink lemonade stands ever again. I bet my girls could make a killing off of a Pink Lemonade Vodka Stand set up in the front yard. Fuck chocolate chip cookies as an inducement to buy lemonade. The pink lemonade vodka will sell itself. It’ll be flying out of their wagon in no time.
What do you and the kids like to get at the State Fair? A deep fried bacon cinnamon roll? Funnel cakes? Anything impaled with a stick? Well, now you can add some Cotton Candy Vodka to your nutritious line-up. Don’t consume a lot before the Tilt-a-whirl. Could prove to be messy.
This is just a photo of my cat with her monkey. It has nothing whatsoever to do with children’s vodka.