I’ve been exploring what you would feel like if you were a particular store. Today, I’m pondering what it would feel like to be a governmental office. I’ve listed only governmental offices I have actually been to as well as listing conditions which I’ve personally experienced, save for one. Can you guess which condition I haven’t experienced?
United States Post Office: Standing in line for ten minutes to mail your package and then realizing you were supposed to take a number feels like constipation. That indecisive lady with all the kids in tow picking out postage stamps is like hard stools. You want to make them soft but you don’t know how. When you are in a huge hurry, and only have ten more minutes of your lunch hour to burn, the Post Office feels like passing only one stool a week. There is no satisfaction in an incomplete evacuation of your bowels or a trip to the Post Office.
United States Social Security Office: Getting a new social security card to reflect yet another married name is like pulling a groin. Unlike marriage, it only hurts when you stand a certain way. The pain of waiting in an interminable line can be dulled with Tylennol and a Miller High Life chaser. And all the while, you have to live with the knowledge that you’ve done this shit to yourself.Department of Motor Vehicles: The DMV, synonymous with PMS, is a necessary evil. You can’t have good things (legal use of your car) without paying thousands of dollars for your vehicle tag, but it totally sucks. Much the same way, you can’t have babies without your period. The DMV makes me moody and bloated. I’m instantly fatigued from sitting in the uncomfortable plastic chairs and I’m usually there so long I suffer food cravings. Nothing gives me tender breasts like the DMV, except PMS.

County Department of Revenue: Going to pay my personal property taxes at the Dept. of Revenue is like a bout of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Parking half a mile away gives me abdominal pain and cramping. Underestimating how long it’s going to take and not putting enough money in the meter gives me diarrhea and waiting in line makes me unpleasant and gassy. You’re welcome.

Municipal Court Traffic Division: Paying a ticket at Traffic Court is akin to experiencing moderate carpal tunnel syndrome. You wait so long for so little return that there are literally parts of your body you can no longer feel. When they finally call your name to come forward, your limbs are tingling in agony. You are completely weakened. And when they make you pay the $175 fine anyway, pain radiates down your arm.

*Unemployment Office: Hanging out at the Unemployment office is similar to having Shingles. Realizing you are no better than any of the other worthless or worthy folks who are in the exact same shitty position as you are gives you a painful rash on one side of your torso. Returning to the Unemployment Office each month to collect 1% of your former salary causes burning pain and numbness. I’ve never had to wait long while transacting business in the Unemployment office, but the lack of hope in the atmosphere left my skin tingly and itchy.Courthouse: (I am not speaking about going to the courthouse in the capacity of being a litigator or having lunch with a friend who works at the D.A.’s office or is on the bench) When you are summoned to the courthouse as a witness, juror, defendant or for any other reason not of your choosing, it is like losing part of your tooth after you fell down drunk on the sidewalk. No blood. Just part of your tooth that is now gone. That’s going to leave a mark.* They gave me a remedial math pop-quiz as a pre-cursor to drawing unemployment last year. I broke into hives. I got three out of five remedial math questions right, which either means I’m a mathematical genius or need to repeat 5th grade. Jury is still out. Math has never been a strong suit.