In honor of the Festival of Popular Delusions Day, June 5th, I list some of my own personal popular delusions (from my own head):
- Despite the fact that I catch glimpses of my mother’s face and my grandmother’s demeanor in the mirror looking back at me, I still harbor hope that I will avoid screwing up my kids in the same way my parents screwed me up.
- That I will screw my kids up in less screwed-up ways than my parents screwed me up.
- I need to lose five more pounds, no matter what my weight is. I could be clinically emaciated and still think, “Well, a few more pounds and I might look great.”
- I can be completely objective about something involving my child.
- I totally needed that last cocktail.
- That I denied music I listened to in high school would be bastardized into elevator music once it was old enough.
- That my kids will ever believe me when I tell them One Direction and 5 Seconds Of Summer songs will be bastardized and played in elevators in twenty years.
- That if I don’t clap, scream as loud as I can and foist my backlit smartphone screen at the stage that it will be MY singular fault the band didn’t return for an encore. “Thanks, Jennifer. Because of you, I didn’t get to hear ‘Freebird’ one more time. I hope not clapping loud enough was worth it, you selfish asshole.”
- That my children will sail through the teenage years not hating me that much or thinking I’m the most stupid human being on earth.
- That what goes around, comes around.
- That those who have thwarted me will get their just desserts at some point and even though I won’t be around to confirm it, the law of karma will reign supreme and I will be vindicated.
- That there are two more seasons of Breaking Bad I didn’t know existed and I will get to watch on Netflix when I die and go to heaven.
- That my mother didn’t know I volunteered to do the dishes after holiday meals so I could escape talking to anyone for a while.
- That anyone is faithful despite given the perfect storm of opportunity and the assurance of not getting caught. (Yes, I’m THAT cynical).
- That someday I will have the absolute perfect Halloween party costume that makes everyone jealous.
- That anyone could be jealous of me for any reason.
- That when I bump into my nemesis by chance one day I will be dressed to the nines, smell nice and walking in the arm of my best mate before I kiss said nemesis on both cheeks in greeting.
- That perfect days are created in the cosmos, not my mind.
- That I’m not partially being lazy by not going nuts about censorship around my kids under the rationalization that I am teaching them worldly skills.
- That anyone actually thinks about me in a negative or derogatory way even ten percent of the time I think they are.
- That people would actually direct precious mental resources towards figuring out my shit when they have a perfectly nice set of their own problems.
- That I can protect my children from their worst enemy, themselves.
- That I can preclude my children from picking up some of my bad habits through my own sheer will and determination.
- That I will ever be well-read. Too. Much. Beautiful. Literature.
- That the ending of Showtime’s Dexter will ever make any sense or be remotely satisfying after eight years of watching that show. Still bitter.
- That any modern movie will capture my imagination like any movie I saw when I was a child.
- That my parents will ever make sense to me or that I will truly understand what drives their behavior.
- That I won’t inherit any of the assholedness that runs rampant in my family.
- I will be able to get so many things done this summer while my kids are out of school.
How about you? You have any popular delusions you want to share?
Viki- I HATE it when I think I look better than I really look. It seems like such a betrayal!
That I look really good even though I did not look at my rear view in the mirror before leaving my house.