Hi. I’m Bleeding Profusely and Can’t Make It Stop

This is going to be a short blog post because it’s hard to type without the help of my left middle finger. Wow- you just don’t appreciate how much you use body parts until you can’t use them. Turns out the middle finger is more useful than just to flip off motorists in a fit of road rage. It has many other functional uses. Let’s just say that when you are googling “what to do when a cut won’t stop bleeding“, you are already an idiot. I cut the tip of my finger off yesterday cutting an apple for Devlin. It finally stopped bleeding today, twelve hours later. I didn’t like that stupid finger tip anyway. The kitchen is proving to be a very dangerous place for me! It took four of us in the bathroom yesterday to figure out how to cover my wound in even a half-assed way. I feel like Holly Hunter’s character from The Piano, minus the naked tattooed Harvey Keitel part.The best part of our googling experience was to read all the comments about people asking questions about profuse bleeding. One commenter was all, “Dude, why are you on a forum about bleeding when you’re bleeding? Go to the fucking hospital!” Don’t judge me. I didn’t need stitches. There wasn’t anything they could have done other than make me wait five hours to put a big-ass bandage on it. I have that part covered already (pun intended). The best was the guy who asked if the person bleeding was a hemophiliac. A valid question. This bumfuzzled the respondent who inquired, all high and mighty, “What does whether the person is bleeding have to do with being a homosexual?”
That comment was almost worth cutting off the tip of my finger. And it appears I’m still bleeding profusely.