I consider myself well-rounded. I have been to The Opera House and the Arch Rival Roller Derby. I once saw Jay Z in concert the same week I saw Wynton Marsalis. I’ve lived in Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain, and Oxford, England, near the Thames River. With this varied experience, how could I have not been exposed (I chose that word carefully) to Truck Nuts? I have traveled to 37 states in the last 14 months by car, driven through small towns and large cities. Not one set of Bumper Balls. Are all the testosterone-infused cars and trucks located in the few states I haven’t driven my children to? Do Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, California, Oregon, Louisiana, Washington, North Dakota, Nevada and Nebraska have ALL the fake car balls? Will my family be bombarded with auto testes when we travel to these states? I suppose a girl can dream.I’ve passed Dodge Ram trucks with glass pack mufflers and confederate flag tire covers. I’ve driven behind 20 year-old Chevy pick-ups with camouflage bug guards and CB radios through entire states. I’ve been to Texas, for fuck’s sake. Monster trucks with after-market under-carriage lighting have bullied me out of the passing lane. But not one of these encounters were with a nutzed-out truck. No glimpse of chrome or plastic genitalia hanging proudly from any trailer hitch. Are they an urban myth? Do we really need Truck Balls when we have Hummer vehicles? Isn’t a Hummer one big nut sack?

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not complaining that I haven’t seen bumper nuts. And I don’t want to debate your 1st Amendment right to display vulgar images, mostly because that debate is really stupid. I just can’t believe that given all my travel by automobile that I have not ever had the pleasure of driving my children past a rusted-out Ford pick-up with lapsed insurance and enlarged, and apparently anatomically-correctish, bull balls. I understand that the men displaying these nuts are trying to exert their machismo. As in, “My truck is so bad-ass, and by extension, I am so bad-ass, that my truck has grown a pair”, so “Suck my Nuts!” I really can’t imagine anything less macho, or put more correctly, more gay, than a replica of a nut sack. I can’t think of much that a gay man would love more than testicles, except maybe glitter-bombing Rick Santorum.

Soccer moms are not running to the internet to order Mini-van vaginas or Sedan lady parts to drive their kids and their kids’ friends around town. And why not? Why not equality in this arena? I am a proud Vagina American! BECAUSE WOMEN DON’T DO SHIT LIKE THAT! It has something to do with the fact that almost all serial killers are men. I think what upsets me the most is that people who have truck nuts are out there PROCREATING, and, gasp, VOTING! It’s simply a world gone mad.