Holiday Season Fun
2. Get totally hammered at the Office Holiday Party. When else are you going to get to meaningfully showcase your cleavage or expose your genitals to the office copier? I say Carpe Diem! The Holiday Party is the ideal place to show your colleagues what you are really made of.
3. Invite both of your dear friends who have recently divorced each other to a holiday gathering at your house. And for fuck’s sake, don’t warn them! They are going to have to get used to seeing each other in public sooner or later, so it may as well be at your intimate holiday party. Trust me, your friends will totally thank you later, and you don’t need to stress them out by mentioning it beforehand. Bonnie is going to have to accept that Brad is dating a 19 year old aspiring model (read: stripper) because Bonnie never lost the baby weight. Be a courageous friend and give her the opportunity to test the strength you know she has. You need to get that single mother on the prowl again!
4. Tell Nanna UP FRONT that if she brings anything molded in gelatin, you’re going to make her eat Kwanzaa dinner in the garage by herself. Nobody gives a shit that you have a new bundt pan shape to show off, Nanna. Nanna should know by now that you are sensitive about foods that jiggle while you are still saving money for your smart-lipo. Think of the thighs, Nanna. It’s not just about you every year. I don’t care if you are 86.
5. Start crafting your two-page, double-sided, single-spaced eagerly-anticipated Holiday letter throughout the year, when Billy’s winning soccer goal is still fresh in your head. Friends cannot get enough detail about how sporty and genius your kids are, or if you are childless or empty-nester, the neat tricks your weimaraner learned last year. Also, since your married best friends both got laid off last year, it would be cruel not to share your Italy vacation photos with them. They need to live vicariously through you now instead of worrying about how to pay their mortgage next month. It’s THE LEAST you can do.