24 Annoying Buzzwords That Need To Burn In Hell (9-16)

9. “Guuurrl!”Please don’t use the word “girl” unless you are talking about a female below the age of 18. Thirty-five year old women are not “girls”, even if you are eighty years old. “Girl” is not a substitute for my name and should not be uttered in that way unless you are addressing a dog. “Girl, I’m going to miss your wet nose.” It goes without saying that if you say “You go, girl” that you will be punched in the groin. The more enthusiasm with which you say “girl”, the harder you will be punched. (Digression: In googling “you go girl”, I happened upon a real-life product called “go girl”. It’s a female urinary device that allows females to pee standing up. Wow. Did not know about that. Might have come in handy at the Al Jarreau concert in 1985.)

10. “Chillax”
This is an annoying fusion of two separately innocent words combined to make a new horrible one. Wonder Twin powers activate! Shape of “chill out”! Form of “relax”!  Chillax sounds sounds like something you’d buy at Walgreens to cure constipation. It is also rarely used by anyone not in their twenties. My mom isn’t going to come home from work and say, “I’ve worked hard today. Time to chillax.” Instead, “chillax” is presented as a worthwhile activity that deserves to be protected when someone older than you wants you to engage in something productive. Dude, I can’t mow the lawn right now. I’m gonna chillax.
11. “Think outside the box”
Man, I am SO relieved you want me to do something outside the box. I’ve been inside the box all day! I was afraid you were one of those wankers who said trite things to sound smart when they really just didn’t have anything useful to add to the conversation. I’ve been constrained by that box like the whole time I felt myself veering outside of the box because I assumed you wanted me to think, you know, inside the box. All that thinking I did before, inside the box, must have sounded pretty lame. And to think I once thought thinking was just, “thinking”. Now I can think in narrow, uncreative inside terms plus bold, imaginative outside terms. Meetings just got a whole lot more interesting.
12. “It is what it is”
What is “it”? What is “what”? And, finally what is “is”? Could there be a more worthless string of words that imparts absolutely nothing and provides no insight into anything? It can if it does. It was if it were. It did but it can’t. It could but it wasn’t. Oh, no, I di-int.
13. “Take it to the next level”
Closely related to “kick it up a notch,” “take it to the next level” means that your boss thinks the level at which you are currently working is crap. Yet they can’t quite put their finger on it. Instead of giving you feedback that might allow you to improve, the boss likens your performance to obscenity. I don’t know how to define it, but “I know it when I see it”. When your boss says this to you, you are supposed to put in more effort, or do something different, or better, or less of the stuff that isn’t taking it “to the next level”. Of course you have no idea where the level is or what it is because your boss can’t describe it, so good luck with that. Perhaps setting measurable goals might be more productive.
14. “I can’t change the past.”
You mean that’s not one of your super powers? This is bullshit! I assumed we would get do-overs! Now you tell me!

15. “Now, I’m not a ________, but…” 
This phrase is used right before someone says something that would identify them as something they claim not to be. “I’m not a cretin, but women don’t belong in combat.” You know, on account of their menstruation.
16. “YOLO” 
Social media acronym meaning “You only Live Once,” used in the most annoying and trite ways. “I’m going to be late because I’m getting a Chick-fil-A Chicken Sandwich. YOLO!” Hope it’s not on a Sunday, dude. The homophobic chain restaurant is closed on the sabbath.

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