will i age gracefully? not alone!
It was great to see my friend, Sarah, who visited for the weekend. We met each other wearing Come On, Eileen overalls as college freshmen at The University of Oklahoma. We sound like each other on the phone and finish each other’s sentences. She completes me. Firmly establishing our compatibility over the years, which I dare not count, we’ve made a pact to grow old together. In fact, we vow to age gracefully! However, we must enforce certain rules. We are clearly still negotiating, but here is the beginning list of House Rules a/k/a Ways to age gracefully:
Age Gracefully or Age Disgracefully?
1. We will pool our social security payments until we have enough money to buy an Airstream trailer to tour around the country. We’ll drive that thing until it won’t move. The newspapers and magazines we start hoarding will make it too heavy.
2. Part of the age gracefully plan includes shenanigans. We’re going to start prank calling our relatives when we wake up at 4:30 a.m. That way, we’ll get a good laugh at the expense of who we scared the bejesus out of.
3. Part of the year we’ll spend in New York City and part of the year touring in our geriatric tricked-out Airstream. We’ll also buy a condo near a golf course. Our muscular cabana/pool man, Enrique, will serve us refreshing beverages on demand. Age gracefully, my ass!
4. Moreover, we will reserve one hour a day to talk about body ailments. For instance: arthritis, varicose veins, The Rheumatoid, cataracts, incontinence, constipation, anything having to do with poo, IBS, etc. After the hour, we vow not to mention any body parts and whether they are working. Firm rule. No exceptions.
5. The one who colors their hair pink gets dibs on that color until the next beauty shop appointment. Also, we’ll go back and forth between pink, purple, and blue hair.
6. We shall learn how to drink coffee with every meal as part of how to age gracefully. Pizza and coffee. Sushi and coffee. Coffee and more coffee Twelve cups throughout the day until our breath smells like ass on a constant basis.
7. We’re going to start having dinner at 5:00 p.m. and progressively have dinner earlier and earlier until eventually we are eating dinner for breakfast.
To age gracefully includes clocking a bitch
8. We are going to shamelessly lobby to have Luby’s Cafeteria name a platter after us. That bitch, LuAnn, has had her run. It’s time for a new Platter in town. Screw having a star system named after us. We want something that actually means something and is better with gravy.
9. When we have exhausted places to tour in the USA, we will start running drugs to Mexico. We’ll hide the drugs in boxes of Depends in our Airstream. It’ll be like The Golden Girls do Puerto Vallarta, only with drug kingpins.
10. Aging gracefully includes smoking. We will start smoking in our golden years, because when we’re 75, who gives a shit?
why not develop bad habits near the end?
11. The first one to start wearing dentures gets to win at canasta for two weeks.
12. We shall create a stylish mu mu for seniors patterned after a mariachi band. Additionally, we will wear them constantly.
13. We’re going to wear house slippers everywhere. To the pool. In the pool while we’re doing Senior Water Polo. On our way to the pharmacy. Playing bingo. Visiting the Hospital.
14. We agree to be each other’s Wing Man when we’re out cruising at bars.
we will learn bingo lingo
15. We’re going to play “Hi, Bob!” and take a shot of tequila every time one of us starts to repeat a story we told within the last hour.
16. Only one of us gets to be cranky per day. For example, if she wakes up cursing because she can’t find her trifocals, I have to suck it up and be cheerful all day. She gets to bitch about the glasses she didn’t notice hanging from a leash around her neck until dinner at 2:00.
17. We vow to tell each other when we have food on our faces we can’t feel. Also, we will steer each other clear from old men who smell like urine and mothballs but are trying to cover it up with Old Spice cologne.
what else can there be? so much more!
18. Those who age gracefully keep up with the trends. Thus, we agree to continually embrace emerging technology. Eight-Tracks. Cassette tapes. Compact discs. Ipods. We’ll buy them all and learn 10% of the functionality. In fact, we will use any Apple product that can fit into our gingham fanny pack.
19. We will remind each other that “old” does not automatically mean “interesting”. Also, “age gracefully” is a state of mind.
20. Finally, we will be there to calm each other as we age gracefully. This goes double for when one of us goes off in irrational decrepit rage about some perceived slight.
That, my friends, is how you age disgracefully! Or is that aging gracefully? I can’t remember.