I Need A Smartass Phone

 My Smartass Phone Should Do More

I love my smartphone. It completes me. It preserves my honor by alerting me to appointments I may have otherwise forgotten. I am an actual slave to the icalendar. It houses 800+ contacts for my instant perusal. It is literally music to my ears. I get most of my current events from news apps on my phone. It keeps me company when I’m lonely. My phone allows me to take photos of my feet with exotic backgrounds. It takes poor video recordings of my children’s recitals. It alerts me to weather events. It directs me and tells me where I am. Siri talks to me. It’s like a small, non-petable dog that fits in your pocket and whose poo you need never clean up. Now that we have cemented our  relationship, and I am so firmly entrenched, and so completely obsessed with knowing its whereabouts at all times and keeping it fully-charged, I think my smart phone needs to start doing more for me.

It should be able to morph into a Roomba, if called upon, or act as an Auquabot pool rover. I would like it to provide blood test analysis and instant paternity testing. I don’t think I’m asking too much. Think of all the stuff your phone does that you would have never imagined it to do even five years ago. Now think of more stuff. Like be able to calculate what I ate and the caloric intake by me breathing into it after a meal. Tell me my weight just by holding it in my hand. It should be my life coach. Give it some pros and cons about taking that new job and have it advise me. Tell me whether that guy I met on Match.com is sincere or just wants to get in my pants. Help me identify good fishing spots. It should have a “too bitchy?” alert system when I’m about to send an email or text that’s potentially offensive. It should help me with lamaze. It should have a perimeter alert if my children wander too far. It should sense when I need encouragement and give it to me. “Jennifer, your ass looks great in those jeans. Wear the dangly earrings, though. They look better with your hair.”

Let’s check back on this in two years and see if smartphones have caught up with my imagination!