Awesome Rural Billboards

How To Enhance Your Family Reunion: Guns & Beer

We passed some awesome rural billboards on a drive through Missouri on our way to Oklahoma. There are so many interesting aspects to it that I hardly know where to start. First, I sympathize with your inability to discern whether the billboard is on the highway in Missouri or Oklahoma. We saw a billboard on the same stretch of highway that read: Man+Woman=Marriage. Got Q’s? Ask God. I couldn’t make stuff up this good if I tried, and who couldn’t be inspired by a decades-past married lady beauty pageant winner, a lady who can’t spell but started an education website, and a magician who toured with freakin’ David Copperfield Live?

Both OK and MO are equally notorious for their progressive stance on “women’s health” and “gun rights”. Missouri brags of Todd Akin among its distinguished citizenry. The Missouri state legislature proudly erected a bust of Rush Limbaugh as a Famous Missourian the same week Rush called  law student Sandra Flukes a whore. You can see there is a lot of state pride in Missouri, and understandably so. Oklahoma, on the other hand, can add  blazing a trail promoting women’s rights to its accolades as well as leading the nation in science education. And Oklahoma’s teen pregnancy rate has gone from abysmal to slightly above abysmal in recent years. That’s real progress you can measure! Just don’t mention “sex” or “education” in the same breath or the wrath of the almighty will be upon you. Also, avoid pointing out that gay sex doesn’t lead to teen pregnancy. Ever.

Back to The Bourbon Family Center and its awesome rural billboards.

I should explain that Bourbon references Bourbon, Missouri, not its famous cousin, moonshine. What family gathering couldn’t be enhanced by a bunch of liquor and firearms? Not one I want to attend. Especially at a stagnant park with a rented jumpy-gym flaccid from the heat so the cousins can give each other concussions. Grandpa Joe is hilarious when he gets liquored up on Georgi gin, and it’s not like they’re going to arrest him while your brother-in-law is an influential State Communications Dispatcher for the Highway Patrol. Still, I LOVE the idea of pairing family with paintball supplies. The family that targets paint marks to their younger cousin’s groin is a happy one indeed. That’ll teach Aunt Joanne to bring that 7 layer Miracle Whip salad she insists on bringing to every bleepin’ gathering. Who hasn’t wanted to splatter grandma with paint every time she brings up The Rheumatoid or repeats that stupid story about when her other daughter’s child, the one who is too good to attend family events, got into Harvard? What, exactly, is wrong with Community College? Punish Uncle Bruce for always cheating at canasta and make him surrender.

All is fair in family paintball warfare.

You can get hunting caps and (hand-dipped) ice cream in the same stop any day of the week because they’re open 7 DAYS. Ice cream sounds like a perfect accompaniment to camping and hunting in the woods. Your hand-dipped cookies-n-cream waffle cone might get a little pickled in the fish cooler, but you’re an outdoorsman, dammit. Licking a little fish juice off your ice cream is a badge of manliness. Yet another solid reason to ban gay boy scouts. No gay scout would EVER eat an ice cream cone freckled with fish scales to prove he was macho. Thank God.

Next Exit-Right: Why is everyone in the Midwest always directing people to go right? Aren’t the states as red as possible already?




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