It’s True. I’ve Never Used An Emoticon

Okay, I have typed the occasional 🙂 in an email or text when what I am saying might be construed as bitchy or inappropriate. Of course whatever I said preceding the smiley face is no doubt completely bitchy and thoroughly inappropriate. Mostly because that’s the way I roll. Also, my friends have come to expect this of me. In this context, the smiley face serves an important function to counteract any blame mongering about what I just said. In other words, it doesn’t really render the message un-bitchy or remotely appropriate, but is like a “Punch Buggy” that you scream out as you punch your friend’s arm in the car when a VW Bug passes by. Now the onus is off you. You have claimed the VW Bug. Giving your friend a bruise is just a bonus. The smiley-face protects you from recriminations. It gives the Recipient a punch in the arm. Sucker.

I have never, however, used a yellow-faced, full-throttle emoticon. What does that say about me? I have enjoyed receiving yellow-faced emoticons in the past. I have even admired the sender’s dedication to using them, but somehow I decided that they weren’t for me. Not one of my tools. Now that I have identified this fact, I am apprehensive about ever using them as perhaps a form of bad luck. How can I be superstitious about using yellow-faced emoticons but not about the number 13? What could the spirited emoticons do to me if I use them? Eat me like clowns in my dreams? Make me lose my job? Give me writer’s block?

I think I secretly worry that if I’m going to be a writer that I better be able to express myself without the crutch of the evil yellow-faced emoticon. If I think you are acting like an asshole, I’ll just type “You are an asshole”, or in the interest of brevity, simply “asshole”. That is way more awesome than sending you a devil emoticon. How could adding a devil emoticon be more satisfying than calling someone an asshole? I have so few diversions in life that I’m hanging onto my need to say “asshole” for as long as I can.

I do rather like the emoticon above whose eyes are bleeding. That totally rocks.