I applied for six jobs today. For those of you who have had the same job since 2001, you inspire me. Also, I kind of want to kill you, but only in an envious way. Applying for jobs is an awesome way to practice your problem-solving skills
. It’s super fun to spend hours trying to decode the application process for six different companies. It only took me thirteen minutes to input my law degree into the Education section of one application. It begs the question of why it would take (a competent person) with a juris doctorate thirteen minutes to fill out a single question. Who knew that the I.T. Gods would rule thumbs down on calling my degree “juris doctorate” or “juris doctor” or “J
uris doctor” or “J
octor” or “Juris Doctorate” or “J.D.” It finally approved simply “JD”.Applying for jobs can also hone Emloyer-coveted patience skills.
Does the Applicant have the fortitude to wade through 75 minutes of filling out a mind-numbing form that duplicates every single thing in their resume and possess no “save” function until the end? Please provide the exact date of your high school graduation? It was the 1980’s. You could smoke at school in the 1980’s. That’s how long ago that was.It’s like trying to come up with an alibi the night your freaky neighbor went missing. What was I doing at 10:34 p.m. the night of May 6th, 1995? Probably wearing ill-fitting stirrup pants with an oversized bomber jacket and Doc Martens
. Do you really need the name, address and phone number of my emergency contact before you select my resume from a stack of 150 equally-qualified, but obviously not nearly as fabulous, candidates? I hate it when they ask you second or third-date questions
in the intake process. Employers are trying to go all the way when all I want to do is see how it is to be with them on first base. My References are clearly a fourth-date topic, along with salary negotiations. Stop weeding me out before you weed me out!They should make looking for a job more like on-line dating. Match.com
could expand its original business model to include recruiters looking for job-seekers. We could all list our mutual turn-ons and turn-offs. “Must love animals!” The H.R. folks could learn so much more about a candidate by asking about the candidate’s most embarrassing moment, their pet-peeves or whether he/she is an indoor or an outdoor person rather than their career aspirations, because how boring is that? I don’t know what I’m doing five days from now, let alone 5 years. Just kidding, recruiters. I am razor-focused.
No more re-formatting your professional resume into some obscure, not-yet-invented version of Windows 9. We can “wink” at each other. We could attend “speed dating” mixers instead of trying to find each other in the internet equivalent of the Airport Hotel Bar known as Careerbuilder. Let’s make this fun, people! Where is the romance anymore?