I Feel Disgusting

It’s cold and flu season, right? It takes no prisoners. I’m sitting at my desk in my home office wearing (street clothes) plus my outside winter coat which makes it a little hard to type. I have on furry house slippers and am straddling a space heater (probably shouldn’t dry that thing out…). The heater keeps shutting itself inconveniently off (it probably has a short and will ignite when I’m asleep). I get up only to intermittently reheat corn bags in the microwave to put around my neck. I am completely obsessed with heated corn bags. Why is it so fucking cold? My house has ten foot ceilings and is so hard to keep at a reasonable temperature. Maybe I’d be warm if Hans Solo cut open a tauntaun with a light saber so I could crawl inside and wear the creature like a memory foam mattress. It saved Luke from freezing to death during the blizzard in Empire Strikes Back. It could save me.

What snot is not rubber-cemented into all available spaces in my head is draining into my stomach making a slow-brewed snot soup which I can also smell/taste in my nose. De-lish. My throat aches. My shoulders are sore. My eye sockets feel like chalk board trays from the dry heat. I love/hate the heat. I’m very thankful not to be outside, but inside it’s like I’m living in a turbo prop plane with stale recirculated air. I’ve grown barnacles inside my nose for no apparent reason. I want to remove my beef jerkey dried eyeballs and reinsert them after they’ve marinated in moisturizing goo. I’m also gassy. My unfortunate toots smell like pumpkin innards from a freshly carved pumpkin. At least it makes my eyes water a little. The cuticles on my very dry 80 year old looking hands are atrocious. My fingernails are down to the stubs because they’re so brittle. I can’t even pick my nose with any dignity (we know how that activity can be a danger zone for dignity) because I don’t have any fingernails long enough to approach the job properly. My head feels like a bowling ball. The weird thing is that I’m not convinced I’m sick. I think I’m just being punished. And I am a vision to behold.