WTF to wear to your high school reunion?

A particular group of friends and I are middle aged people now. We weren’t always this way. Several years ago, and I mean several, we were in high school together. The seven of us have been texting each other recently about what we should wear to our high school reunion next weekend.

It is hard to know whether to go upscale like you give a shit about what you look like or downscale like you are far too cool to worry about what you are wearing. Of course everyone wants to look sharp, but you don’t want to look like you are TRYING to look sharp. Because high school. You didn’t think we were going to show up without pre-reunion outfit consultation, did you? What if everyone else wears jeans and I show up wearing a tiara? I’ll be ostracized like I’m in high school!

The consensus on what to wear for a few hours was jorts, which our world traveling high school mate explains is what a lot of dudes in Spain are wearing. We could be as cool as dudes in Spain, maybe even cooler. Jorts, like mom jeans cut off into shorts, but worn by men. Un-self-respecting men.

Jorts are notoriously too totally small or too totally big they could totally house two people simultaneously. The dangly threads are a jort testament to how manly your scissor cutting skills are. If you are a badass jorter, you cut those bad boys while you’re wearing them. Beware cutting the jeans into jorts that are too short. The jorts should enhance your junk, not expose them. Jorters get to show off that impossibly sexy upper honky white thigh space that drives all the ladies so crazy. And, no, jorts don’t look any better on men with dark legs.

Andrew H. Walker / Getty Images

Andrew H. Walker / Getty

Choosy moms choose jorts. I’m wearing jorts right now. I may start sleeping in jorts. I love the feel of heavy denim attacking my lady parts, and looking down at my squished thighs while sitting wearing my favorite jorts. Jort heaven. Jorts: the gift that keeps on giving.

Realistically, since most of the six of us are women, jorts are unlikely to be on the clothes menu. Besides, the men might be able to get away with a nice pair of jorts, but women are far more scrutinized for their appearance. We discussed whether to wear tube tops, sparkly ones, but that seemed too braggy. Like, “Look at my super awesome bejeweled tube top, high school classmates!” Even if we looked breath-taking in them.

IMG_0096Right. Trying too hard. Way too hard.

Maybe we should wear something acid-washed?

Do Vans make toe shoes now?

Recognizing our male high school classmates might feel insecure about wearing their jorts, we thought keeping in the “Come on, Eileen” overall or denim jumpsuit genre might be a complimentary look. Like if we wanted to look like prison inmates.



Nobody better say one damn word when I walk into the reunion wearing a slanket. And if it’s denim, so much the better.