Aging: What surprises it holds
What better way to commemorate the passing of my high school reunion weekend than with a trip to the medical device store? I have this thingy with my knee. It’s swollen and hurts all the time. Blah. Blah. blah. The doctor told me to start wearing compression socks and directed me to the medical product store I’ve passed a thousand times but never noticed. I have not ever received such a high level of service in my life than the time I spent in the medical product store. No less than three employees asked me if they could help me find something on my walk from the Incontinence department to the bathroom safety aisle. It was like they had been around a bunch of forgetful, cranky people who can’t move or hear very well or something. It was slightly creepy, like being in a public restroom with an attendant offering you squares of toilet paper as you try not to make noises.
Do you think the socks would pair well with a wonder bra in the bedroom? I did order black compression socks with just that in mind. Watch out, baby! Momma’s wearing her sexy socks! I got the kind with the toes cut out so I can pretend I’m really a ballet dancer. The socks are like trendy leg warmers that dancers wear except they cling to your legs like sausage casing and look like geriatric compression socks.
And when I get so infirm that I can’t put on my own sexy socks or wonder bra, the store sells a Butler to help me! Well, at least with the sock part. I may have to hire someone to assist with the wonder bra. Maybe someone named Enrico who could also teach me how to play tennis and clean my pool.
Iphone 6? New colors? Order a custom phone cover? There’s no need for that nonsense when you can have a walking cane in any color of the rainbow. You can buy shiny canes that help you look like a pimp every day of the week. Granny is rocking the Casbah with her flashy cane!
I was a little envious of whoever gets to have one of these contraptions. The commercial for the hoveround was always one of my favorites, and now I can say I’ve seen one in person. I even sat on it. The hoveround commercial was surpassed in my child memory only by the commercial for the Clapper. Clap on. Clap off. The clapper! Who needs mobility when you have a clapper? No matter that the name always reminded me of gonorrhea. That just makes it that much more awesome, like a ch-ch-cha-chia pet.
No need to frequent an adult toy store when the neighborhood medical device store carries such sexy items as the hernia belt. It’s a must-have at $69.
Or some easy to remove in the dark vinyl pull-on panties. I wonder if they make any vinyl panties that glow in the dark?
Who said aging wasn’t going to be any fun?
They should have had a questionnaire at the high school reunion that asked things like how many medications you take daily. Because I’m up to six, if you count the OTC vitamin D. I don’t even have anything wrong with me. Parts have just stopped working. Pills not to pee. Pills to deter cancer. Happy pills. Sad pills. So. Many. Pills. So far, though, the only thing I need from the medical device store is a pair of SEXY SOCKS.