Practical Graduation Presents Your Graduate Will Really Appreciate
I dedicate this Post to two of my Special Grads this year: Hilary & Brooks.
It’s that season again: GRADUATION! This time always fills me with nostalgia for my own graduations, of which I had three, not seven like these punks that “graduate” from pre-K or “graduate” from Middle School. I mean actual, diploma-producing graduations. If it doesn’t have a diploma party favor, it’s not a real graduation party, people.
Look, I know you guys don’t have time to shop for your Special Grad or wait for the late-night infomercials to suggest the perfect gift, so I’ve compiled some great Grad gift ideas from my mother’s favorite shopping catalog: Harriet Carter
which has a Dorm Life
section smartly marketed especially to College kids. I couldn’t make up shit this great.
! That’s right! No need to slink home the morning after on your Walk of Shame from the Frat house barefoot after you lost your shoes near the beer keg. And so many color options! You can tuck a pair of Bootie Socks into your pencil jeans and no one will be the wiser. It’ll be your Grad’s grateful little secret. They don’t call it “bootie” for nothing!
European Beer, I mean, Can, Caddy
for one, please. It only holds four in each hand, so your friends are obviously shit-out-of-luck. European because only Europeans enjoy beer tepid. They’ll think your Grad is muy international and cosmopolitan when they show up at a College Mixer with this special gift!
This is just genius. Eyeglass/Pill Organizer
for your illicit drugs, vitamins, birth control, Canadian diet pills, No-doze and reading glasses. I’m probably dating myself. Is No-doze now a 5 Hour Energy drink? In any event, never wonder whether you’ve taken your party drug yet only to bum really hard 45 minutes later when you realize your friends are all tripping and you’re totally sober. Problem: Solved.
Fashion Bed Light
No more fumbling around with clumsy individually-wrapped contraceptives
with your girlfriend in the dark while your dorm mate pretends to be
asleep in the bed five feet away. Trust me, he wasn’t getting any sleep
anyway. And the pull-string means you don’t have to sit up.Or lay down.
Or whatever. One word, here, Grads: convenience. It’s only a pull-string
This Life Saving Message
is sure to be a parent-pleaser for the recently-graduated neighbors’ kid who drives around your cul de sac going 50 M.P.H. with Bully
metal tunes blasting from his spanky new Dodge Challenger
, the Pontiac Firebird of the Twenty-Tens. This life-saving admonishing Visor Clip will surely be a welcome reminder not to text after he’s had a few too many Bud Light Tall Boys. I’m slightly confused by the road runner image driving on top of the car with flames. That seems more unsafe than texting INSIDE the car. Could just be me.
The name of this gift just screams cool: HugLight
! Who couldn’t use a hug when they’re 200 miles away from home-cooked meals and free laundry service? When you can’t have your mom as one of your Facebook friends without risk of being disowned, the Huglight is for you, Grad.Or you can wear it as a zany necklace to the library the two days you study. You could even put it around your waist or under your clothes to up-light your rack, or whatever. The only thing limiting you is your own creativity.
I chuckle when I think of all the times in College I could have used this Microwave Pressure Cooker
. I ate one-pot beef roasts all the time, which is why I only gained the Freshman Twenty. Who wants to grab fast-food hangover burgers and fries or midnight delivery pepperoni pizza when you can have a roast and veggies in no time? All you have to do is bum a ride from someone who owns a car to shop at the grocery store, find room in your dorm frig for meat and produce storage, peel root vegetables and trim raw beef in the group bathroom sink, locate storage next to your jumbo box of ramen noodles for a big ass pot in your 10 X 12 foot dorm room and try not to set off any building fire alarms in the Common area where the microwave is located. Six easy steps to a delicious AND nutritious dinner. EVERY TIME!
Who’s smart for taking this Smart Cart Rolling Cart
on his next date? YOU are! Extra change of clothes, bottle of wine, Raisin Bran. You can take it all with you with this super stylish Smart Cart. Your date will know she’s got a Keeper when you roll out this awesome bag from your dorm room. No more back packs when you can take this enormous incognito Smart Cart with you to the next home football game. It’s like a gigantic fanny pack with wheels.