Queer Eye: Part 1

I take my responsibility to educate you about obscure events and facts very seriously. In that vein, this post is about  a conundrum of one of my best buddies. He lives in San Francisco with his husband. They enjoy life as a typical gay couple. You know- disposable income, glamorous travel, spoiling their pets and exotic friends. I mean, OBVIOUSLY. They are fierce friends with me, right? Let’s call this friend Don. Don was asked recently to preside over a Sage Circle for two gay Argentinian men who are turning forty this weekend. Right. WTF is a Sage Circle? We were a little afraid to ask. Sage is, you know, a bush, and we’re talking about gay people.Assuming the Argentinians are not talking about a Native American Sage Ceremony to oust negative demon juju from the area, which is a big if, the best thing we could come up with was this: Sage Circle.  Short for: Services and Advocacy for Gay lesbian bisexual and transgendered Elders. Don and I are pretty sure, but afraid to confirm, that the Argentinians wish Don to orchestrate a Gay Precious Moments Turning Forty speech. We are still sketchy on whether he should burn herbs whilst giving such speech. Don is far too cynical to abide the Precious Moments request. Rather than ask and be instructed properly, we are working on a speech more true to Don’s sarcastic heart. We are rationalizing that if you ask Graham Norton to give a speech, then you should know what you are in for, right?

Don and I got stuck on this concept of the gay elderly. Only gay people would be savvy enough to name themselves “elders” when they age instead of the pedestrian “old people” jargon. Why is gay aging an issue? We both assumed that gay people just walk into the desert when their time comes because of their decadent lifestyle and desire to preserve their surgically-crafted buttocks and chiseled abs. A real-life Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert send-off. Doesn’t the gay community prefer to go out like Marilyn Monroe? Young, at the peak of her career?

I appreciate a hearty support group, but trans-aging? Oi-vey. I’m sure they have their own set of headaches, but I never thought of aging Drag Queens having a higher risk for diabetes or a need for a separate labor union from regular old folks? Doesn’t the AARP cover aged female impersonators as equally as they lobby for retired mailmen? In fact, they DO! Gay Seniors rejoice!

Leave it up to the gay people to sass-up a geriatric bus tour and make it look cool. Queer Eye for the Straight Old Folks, indeed. I see an entire market for up-scale crocheted sweater vests, ear and nose hair grooming technique sharing, white zinfandel oenophile classes, Luby’s cafeteria-inspired interior decorating tips, a proliferation of Jane Fonda zumba fitness instruction in old gay folks homes. The options are limitless.


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