You know how sometimes you find that special store where you go in, look around, make eye contact with the lovely salespeople, and you just know. That’s what it was like visiting the gun store. And then you think, this would be an awesome place to take the kids for a fun outing! You exchange knowing nods with the other patrons in the locally-owned shop. You know by their eyes and the friendly half-smile on their face that you are home. Home Sweet Home. You have found a store where you can truly be yourself. No inhibitions, and certainly no judgment. A place where everyone understands you even though you are incongruously wearing a jog top and yoga pants because you didn’t know you were going to visit a Killing paraphernalia store that day. A place where everyone knows your name…
I was slightly alerted to the type of place where I was unwittingly driving my friend, Virginia, by this 15 foot mural next to the front door. Understandably, I asked her if we were going to pick up some black sunglasses for her. Turns out it was a supermarket for gun and tactical gear.
I Wish I had Invented Velcro
It is impossible not to be impressed with the sheer amount of velcro you can put on your clothes. You can fucking velcro anything to yourself. I should just velcro the contents of my purse to my body and free myself of the burden of finding my keys or wallet inside the bowels of my purse, which doesn’t have one stick of velcro. Wallet velcroed to my armpit. Vanity bag velcroed to my belly. Car keys velcroed to my belt. Iphone velcroed to my ankle. You can get underwear with velcro. I made that up, but you know I have to be right. See! Of course I’m right!
I was mesmerized by the scary-ass mannequins, menacingly striking various kill poses. No sugar-coating the dedication to all things gun enthusiast in this baby! Look, kids! Fun kill poses!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been almost handcuffed on a routine traffic stop by a cop wielding pink or yellow handcuffs, like these beauties here. They are so economical, you could get them in all your favorite colors. Also, the salesperson pointed out that pink and yellow show up better if you’re looking for them in a hurry to subdue a perp.
Hard not to be knocked over by the testosterone flowing through the showroom. Manly adrenaline. Lots of anger as well. Who’s not at home with a bunch of anger darting in and out of the aisles?
I want to go. Now.