Blair as Michael Jackson

Autism President Obsessed With Making Government Cool

It is no secret that my 9 YO daughter Blair wants to be POTUS (President of the United States) when she grows up. She has been steadfastly answering the question of what she wants to be when she grows up with a heartfelt, “I want to be the President!” since age three. Her proclamation invariably begs the question of, “President of what?” to which she responds with an annoyed smile, “The United States! What else?” As proof of her resolve, Blair repurposed a desk plaque with her Presidential moniker. She is weighing her college major options now and researching law school admission requirements. She wrote a letter congratulating President Obama on his 2012 victory. She suffered a mild set-back when she didn’t get enough votes to win the 4th grade class representative Student Council Election this year, but I explained that you have to learn how to lose to learn how to win. She called bullshit on this absurdity, but we managed to turn it into a character-building event nonetheless. We read books about Presidents. She is already worried about fundraising and campaign reform rules. It’s either “president” or “Michael Jackson impersonator” for her.

Devlin, not wanting to be left behind, recently declared his intent to also be President. He was less sure about what he wanted to be the president of, but I think you have to build on your dreams. That’s when it struck me what a brilliant tactical advantage it would be to have a world leader on the Autism Spectrum. When Autism President doesn’t agree with your foreign policy, he spits in your face. Take that, Mr. Putin! No pretext. No bullshit. Just a lougie right on your cheek. No advocate could compete when Autism President gets an idea in her head that she won’t desist from a certain course of action no matter what you say. We are NOT invading that country no matter how unreasonable the stance is. In fact, the more reasonable the request, the more Autism President digs his heels in. Diplomatic difficulties in the Middle East? That’s nothing a group full-body hug couldn’t address. Questions about chemical weapons? Let’s hug it out, bitches! Droning on about one topic which is completely irrelevant and means nothing to anyone other than the person fixated on it? Doesn’t that sound eerily similar to most politicians you listen to already? When Autism President is unhappy with your efforts to defund  The Affordable Care Act, he just strips off his clothes and runs around until he’s exhausted.  Because Autism President is unable to read Bashar al-Assad’s motives for ordering a mass crackdown and military sieges on pro-rebel protesters, he can make decisions to use military force against the Syrian President without emotion or diversion. And then Autism President can insult foreign dictators with honest inappropriate observations about whether their ears are symmetrical or how stupid it is that they don’t like pancakes.Favorable terms in labor negotiations are a given for Autism President after he wears them down with endless obscure trivia about chex mix. He can charm dignitaries by reciting their birthday and street address from memory.

I think I may be on to something here…



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