Fairies Scare The Shit Out Of Me

Eight year old Blair has been surfing the internet on my computer again. The reason I know this is because I have received an alarming barrage of emails from fairysurprises@therealtoothfairies. Fairysurprises is a force with which to be reckoned. Fairy and her evil fairy minions are more tenacious than The Team Obama Tech Geeks sending me 90 emails a day asking for $5 prior to the Presidential Election. I guess I didn’t strike fundraisers as having Super PAC finances. Also, I’ve been watching Season 1 of The Walking Dead. Not coincidentally, Fairy Zombies have been invading my dreams. Fairies, with their positive fairy values and wholesome kindness, have been biting off my fingers in my sleep. Fucking Fairy Zombies.

Zombies really have a lot in common with Fairies. Humor me, I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately. Both groups practice Mindless Adherence to the will of the group, for instance. Fairies like to travel in groups. They do not celebrate independence and self-reliance and neither do aimlessly marauding gangs of Zombies. Both groups are “out to change the world”, albeit Fairies are trying to inspire dreams and spread kindness in their world while Zombies are animated corpses hungry for human flesh. Still, both changes to the status quo, right? Fairies touch you with magic wands and turn you into cool things like Cinderella. Zombies touch you by biting your neck half off and then turn you into a Walker corpse who wants to eat your friends.

According to The Real Tooth Fairy Website, “Shopping for Official Real Tooth Fairies products helps you bring all the magic home.” Really? There are several things wrong with this statement. First, thank God we found the “official” real tooth fairy website, because that knock-off real tooth fairy, Gary The ToothFairy, website sucks. Second, “real” and “fairy” can rarely coincide peacefully in any sentence. It’s like saying “love” and “call girl” in conjunction with each other. Third, I hate magic. David Copperfield gives me the heebie jeebies. He’s like Neil Diamond with jazz hands, who also weirds me out.

Still, it begs the question of why I love Zombies but hate Fairies? What have Fairies really ever done to me other than flood my inbox with adventure, friendship and wisdom? And Neil Diamond and David Copperfield? They have done nothing other than be creepy bastards.