Insurance Companies Suck
Later in the day I logged on to their website to refill medications and noticed Devlin was not listed. I girded my loins and called again. Turns out I can’t order refills on the website for Devlin because he’s a minor. WTF? I’ve ordered refills for my minor son online for eight years with other insurance companies (who also suck, but didn’t suck about that). Something about HIPAA. That doesn’t make any fucking sense at all. The customer service people think it sounds official and authoritative so whenever they need to justify something inane, they invoke HIPAA, hoping the insured will relent. My son is on four daily medications he takes twice a day. He takes sixteen pills PER DAY. We are not casual pharmacy users. We are hardcore, bitches. So then I think of a work-around. “Can’t we just set Devlin up for auto-refills and circumvent this absurd rule?” “It’s not our rule, m’am. It’s the industry’s rule.” Which I know is complete bullshit because I’ve done it before. For years. Then she hesitated. “We… can’t do that either.” “Um, why?” “We can’t set up auto-refills for minors. You know, HIPAA.”
OMG. Do they make this shit up as they go along? Trust me, CIGNA, you don’t want to have to talk to me every month. I am unpleasant. Also, you bring out the absolute worst in me. I imagine the insurance people sitting around a big conference table in Hartford, CT plotting ways to make any experience their insureds have with their employees as irritating and unsatisfying as possible. They think of Zappos customer service (which completely rocks and makes me think of ponies and unicorns) and figure out how they can emulate the exact opposite. Isn’t it counter-productive to raise my blood pressure when you’re trying to avoid paying for my health care needs? I wonder how many lives have been harmed by being placed on hold? That’s probably another conspiracy, like the one where the Tobacco Industry declared that nicotine isn’t addictive.
Naturally, I called my sister to rant. She’s always the best person to call for a satisfying rant because we both curse like sailors. Which leads me to the only satisfying question and answer I received all day. “Man, but we curse a lot. Why are we so foul-mouthed?” my sister inquired. “Because we can be.” or “Because we are displaced Rappers.” Or perhaps the true reason: “It’s fun. I heart cursing.” These responses are so much more reasonable than, “Um, HIPAA.” HIPAA made me curse!