Newsflash: Insurance Companies Suck

Words cannot adequately express how deeply I hate insurance companies, and mine in particular. I feel stupid writing this post because it seems like I’m trying to make a big point about how wrong it is to bludgeon puppies and we should really stop people who do that. In other words, I assume everyone who has insurance, and especially those who don’t, can all agree that that insurance companies completely suck balls. Thank God I have medical insurance, but seriously, why do they have to make it so hard?I received yet another letter from CIGNA, the Golden Corral of insurance companies, asking for additional information on my suspicious “pre-existing” radiation treatments for breast cancer. The letter doesn’t identify what they need and advises me to call but provides no number. Seriously? You know you have to gear yourself up mentally to withstand a call to the insurance company. You know you will be forced to wait aimlessly and that ultimately the phone call has virtually no chance of rendering a solution or advancing the ball on whatever the hell they want to have a circle jerk about.So I called. And I waited on the line 25 minutes. While on hold, I resorted to fantasizing about all the different ways I could kill the wench whose voice told me every thirty seconds that “your call is very important to us…”. I decided something involving gasoline was a befitting end to her lying ways. The person who finally took my call had the unhappy duty to inform me that I needed to call another department. “I’VE BEEN ON HOLD FOR 25 MINUTES!” They don’t care. “BUT MY CALL IS VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU!” Sorry, sucker. Turns out they lost the information I sent to them. I knew that already. Fuckers. Think of all the resources (theirs and mine) we have wasted on their attempt to deny benefits to their insureds. Cuz you know that’s the only reason they are poking around.

Later in the day I logged on to their website to refill medications and noticed Devlin was not listed. I girded my loins and called again. Turns out I can’t order refills on the website for Devlin because he’s a minor. WTF? I’ve ordered refills for my minor son online for eight years with other insurance companies (who also suck, but didn’t suck about that). Something about HIPAA. That doesn’t make any fucking sense at all. The customer service people think it sounds official and authoritative so whenever they need to justify something inane, they invoke HIPAA, hoping the insured will relent. My son is on four daily medications he takes twice a day. He takes sixteen pills PER DAY. We are not casual pharmacy users. We are hardcore, bitches. So then I think of a work-around. “Can’t we just set Devlin up for auto-refills and circumvent this absurd rule?” “It’s not our rule, m’am. It’s the industry’s rule.” Which I know is complete bullshit because I’ve done it before. For years. Then she hesitated. “We… can’t do that either.” “Um, why?” “We can’t set up auto-refills for minors. You know, HIPAA.”

OMG. Do they make this shit up as they go along? Trust me, CIGNA, you don’t want to have to talk to me every month. I am unpleasant. Also, you bring out the absolute worst in me. I imagine the insurance people sitting around a big conference table in Hartford, CT plotting ways to make any experience their insureds have with their employees as irritating and unsatisfying as possible. They think of Zappos customer service (which completely rocks and makes me think of ponies and unicorns) and figure out how they can emulate the exact opposite. Isn’t it counter-productive to raise my blood pressure when you’re trying to avoid paying for my health care needs? I wonder how many lives have been harmed by being placed on hold? That’s probably another conspiracy, like the one where the Tobacco Industry declared that nicotine isn’t addictive.

Naturally, I called my sister to rant. She’s always the best person to call for a satisfying rant because we both curse like sailors. Which leads me to the only satisfying question and answer I received all day. “Man, but we curse a lot. Why are we so foul-mouthed?” my sister inquired. “Because we can be.” or “Because we are displaced Rappers.” Or perhaps the true reason: “It’s fun. I heart cursing.” These responses are so much more reasonable than, “Um, HIPAA.” HIPAA made me curse!