Thoughts About Mortality: First phone call after cancer diagnosis
Before I confided in my husband, before I told a single soul, the first way I processed the news was to send an email to my estate attorney. I was obsessed with thoughts about mortality. I didn’t tell him I caught cancer but I did request that we update my last will and testament, power of attorney, and health care directive. On the fast track. I was not being morbid. I was trying to weave a garlic necklace around my neck to ward off vampires. I deal with stress through action. Maybe if I keep moving, nothing bad will stick to me.
Thoughts About Mortality: I am Invincible
At times, I feel like a super hero, completely invincible. Always fancied Wonder Woman and have several lunch boxes in her image, still. Super awesome indestructible bracelets. Wicked Lasso of Truth. And perhaps not coincidentally, a great bust. I want to walk around and provoke a fight at the grocery check-out stand. “You wanna mess with me? I have cancer mother f*cker!” And for those of you who covet Randall’s Honey Badger (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg), “Honey Badger is badass. Honey Badger don’t give a shit.”I passed a funeral procession a few days ago. I haven’t looked at funeral processions quite the same way since I got “the call”. I suspect most people with a potentially fatal disease fantasize about undoing the call. “So sorry. Big mix up at the lab. You do not have cancer. Sorry for the inconvenience. Hope it wasn’t too traumatic. Pardon the bother.” I’m always magnanimous afterwards. “Not to worry. I’m so relieved not to have cancer. It was rather worrisome for a bit. I will happily forgo suing you for millions of dollars for intentional infliction of emotional distress. We’re all smiles over here. Thanks for clearing things up. We knew it couldn’t be true.”
Thoughts About Mortality: No Where To Hide
At other times, I feel like Rizzo from Grease during the Drive-in scene where she’s just told her best friend that she thinks she’s pregnant. As they walk back to the car from the ladies’ room her friend shouts to people to get out of the way, “Lady with a baby!” Rizzo’s secret is completely outed. No where to hide.Vulnerable.
I don’t steal and I don’t lie, but I can feel and I can cry
In fact I’ll bet you never knew, but to cry in front of you,
that’s the worse thing I could do.
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