2013 Goals: Stop Smoking (then not be a fat-ass)

2013 Goals to aspire to

Tending to a relative in the hospital recently, I came upon this handy Stop Smoking Kit. I’m not a smoker, but the little goodie bag of smoking tips just cracked me up. It was like something you would find along with the peanuts that collect at the bottom of your Cracker Jack box. A little prize, with so much promise. Promise, that is, until you actually look at the prize and realize it’s a 3 cent double-glued piece of paper with a knock-knock joke. Fuckers.

2013 goals

They say you should set attainable goals. This year I vow not to be a smoker. Since I’m already not a smoker, I think I may actually reach this goal. When the stroke of midnight rings in the new year, I am going to put the Stop Smoking Kit to the test. I’m going to inhale the mint, stuff the chiclet duo and the “Smoking is no treat” lollipop in my mouth at the same time while donning my “Snap out of the habit” bracelet and giving my Stop stress smoke-free squeeze toy hell. “Why?” you might ask? I’m a belt and suspenders kind of girl. I believe in hedging my bets. It’s like getting your Buddha and your Jesus on at the same time. Grace and Karma. Cats and dogs, living together. If I can conquer not smoking, I can conquer my other goals, like not to be a fat-ass, to speak to my children only in calm tones and to channel Sarah Silverman.

2013 goals

I took all the pennies out of my wallet the other day and divvied them up with my husband and son. We threw about a dozen into the fountain at the mall, making wishes on each penny. Does being greedy about your wishes cancel the potential granting of those wishes? Oddly, or perhaps tellingly, Kevin and Devlin made a new wish for each penny they tossed. Suckers. I, on the other hand, have been making the same wish for each penny, errant eyelash, star, stroke of 1:11, stroke of 11:11 and when the clasp of my necklace collides with the pendant for the last 18 months. My one, measly, can’t-you-just-grant-me-one-little-wish hasn’t come true, yet. (Note to self to inject some new mojo to my wish strategy.) I still have faith. It’s a totally attainable wish, not like the one where I wanted to be two inches taller with different textured hair. Even I will admit that was a stupid wish. My long-suffering wish segues with my life goals, however. If I’m true to myself, it will come true. Luck prefers the prepared mind.


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